Makes My Heart Beat Crazy

Does anyone else have this problem? I was doing Energy today, a pretty easy workout – even if you’re a beginner (with mods, of course). Within the first ten minutes? I must’ve had to hit safety zone three times just to get my heart to settle down. Every move I made seemed to blast my HR right to 157+ (above my fat burning zone). And yeah, it freaked me out. I wasn’t over-engaging. In fact, I feel like I can barely push myself anymore because my hR gets jacked. Does anyone have an idea? Did I not have enough food in me? Was I dehydrated? Is my anxiety playing into it?

 

I. just. wanna. work. out.

 

 

Who would’ve thought I’d ever say that, lol!

Fat and fearful,

Erica

Panic! at the Household

So as many of you know, I suffer from some severe anxiety disorders. And some days I just have this overwhelming feeling that looms over me and it has really affected my state of mind. Friday, my husband came home and while we were brushing our teeth, my heart tightened and a horrible pain shot through my chest. I ditched my toothbrush, ran into my bedroom, and laid down. My muscles began to twitch. My limbs were tingly and numb. My head had pins and needles. And my heart-rate shot through the roof. I was having a panic attack. One of my worst yet. One that a normal person could easily describe as a heart attack, one of my biggest fears.

My husband sat by my side and held my hand as I focused on breathing deep and slowly. My fear of death has honestly been a driving force for my anxiety. Every time I have an ache, a sore, a burning sensation, a tingle…. anything… my mind races straight to thoughts of death. And guilt. I never want to pain my family with the burden of dealing with my death. I have ALWAYS been that kind of person that would rather struggle if it meant saving someone else from going through it.

It is still something I suffer with. Fear not. I have been trying to return to counseling and *sigh* even going back on medication to hopefully sort out this horrid imbalance in my brain. But the main message of this post is a.) That panic attack was AWFUL… but I got through it… no panicked calls to family or the doctor… no xanax… just breathing and praying… and b.) That if anyone out there is suffering with anxiety, depression, or fear of death? I get you. I really do. And I’m here for you just as much as you’ve been here for me.

Before I close, I need to give a shout-out to Team DDP Yoga member Heidi Sue. What a gem that woman is. I am so thankful that I have gotten to know her and receive her support on a daily basis. It is people like her that make me have hope for humanity. So Heidi, thank you ❤

Fat and fearful,

Erica

I Will

I would like to thank you for stopping by the blog. For sending me wonderful messages. For sharing posts with friends. For finding me on Twitter or Team DDP. i want to thank you for your love and your support. I am growing to love this. To connect with you. To share my story with you. To talk about dreams and fears, goals and failures… In a time where I feel struggles, I don’t feel alone. Thank You.

Because of this, I want to take this a step further. It is my intention to start-up my own real website. Better URL. Better content. Better “us” time. I will be working on that in the upcoming weeks so please, stay tuned for updates. If my posts are sporadic, know that I have not disappeared. I am either working on my new website or dealing with my health. All is well, but anxiety has me in its grasp again. It is violently shaking me some days, and it has become disruptive to my workouts, unfortunately.

I refuse to give up. I want this experience to be different from every other time I have attempted to get fit. And that is by saying yes. That is by choosing not to fail. That is by choosing not to give up. I will overcome this. I have to.

Fat and Fearful,

Erica

Don’t forget to look at previous posts and pages, including my Day 1 photos. Day 30 coming soon! “Like” me on Facebook. Follow me on Twitter. And be sure to enter my new GIVEAWAY where I’m giving out three amazon gift cards to a few of my lucky supporters!

Food For Thought

If you suffer from anxiety, like I do, you realize how powerful this statement really is. I have heard the phrase “mind over matter” for as long as I have lived. I am sure that you have as well. It’s often a line of encouragement to have someone overcome an obstacle and really tap into the power of the brain. So you can imagine how anxiety can ruin someone when their mind becomes their worst enemy. But even if you don’t suffer from anxiety,

I’d like to recommend something very simple – positive thinking. Alright, I hear you. I know, Erica. I should be positive. But it’s just not that easy. There’s this and this and this and this and this… Well, I agree with you. It’s hard. I’m not saying eliminate all negative thought. The more you think about not having negative thoughts, the more negative thoughts you’ll have! The brain is tricky like that. What I’m suggesting is that every time you find yourself falling into a moment of negative thinking, combat it with a positive thought. For example,

NEGATIVE: Ugh, it’s raining again. I really wanted to go out!

POSITIVE: I could work on that book I’ve been meaning to write.

NEGATIVE: I look really fat today.

POSITIVE: But my eyes are really pretty. And that makes me feel beautiful.

I know it sounds hokey, but introducing yourself to positive thinking will result in natural positive thinking and better feelings. I really believe in that. I am working on it myself. So today when I said, “Oh, god. I think I’m gonna have an anxiety attack. I hate this…” I followed it with, “This gives me the chance to work through it without Xanax. I can do this…”

And I did 🙂

Fat and fearful,

Erica

Don’t forget to look at previous posts and pages, including my Day 1 photos. Day 30 coming soon! “Like” me on Facebook. Follow me on Twitter. And be sure to enter my new GIVEAWAY where I’m giving out three amazon gift cards to a few of my lucky supporters!

Monday Moments – #2

Anyone who has talked to me lately knows that my mind (and anxiety) has been severely focused around my health. Not just exercising or trying to eat well, but with being afraid of having a heart issue ever since I started having chest and arm pains back in May. The pain would keep coming and going with no real reason, and the anxiety from the fear of death was ruining me. I couldn’t eat anything without tremendous guilt and worry that it was gonna arrest my heart that very second. An awful way to live.

I went back to the doctors’ office today and I must say that even though I am in pain, I am somewhat relieved. I am finally at peace (as much as I can be) with my heart. There is nothing significant in my labs or checkups that point to my heart. What I realized the other day was that all of these problems started after a car accident which occurred one week before my first night of arm pain. The accident was a mild one, so I didn’t pay much attention to it and never addressed it medically. Today, I have found out that I possibly have a neck injury causing the random pain in my jaw, back, shoulders, arm, etc. And I am thrilled! Because it is something I can manage. It is something I can work with. It is something that DDPY can help. So yes, I’m in pain. And yes, it is super uncomfortable. But I’m working through it. I did some more labs and some x-rays today to find out more, so I’m looking forward to the results. But really? I feel like I’ve been blessed in an odd way.

So there is today’s moment.

Fat and fearful,

Erica

Falling Off The Wagon

Boy, what an odd week. I have not done yoga and my eating has been pretty horrendous. My sleeping patterns have been sad and unfulfilled. And I had a panic attack this week The first one in a couple of weeks and it nearly ruined me. I am mad that I had to take xanax but I just couldn’t get through it without worrying about how much I thought I was gonna die. And I’ll be honest, it is all because of my monthly visitor. The hormones are crazy. The crankiness knob is turned all the way up. The “Not Giving a F-ck” mode is engaged. I know that they say exercise helps, but NOTHING HELPS during my time. I have to do everything I can just to get past Day 1, which is usually the worst. Exercise – doesn’t help. Ibuprofen – doesn’t help. Sitting in a hot tub – doesn’t help. I just want to cuddle up into some blankets and pretend I don’t exist. Or just sleep. And with that comes strong head cravings for food I really don’t need… BUT I MUST HAVE.

So to say that I “fell off the wagon” is incorrect. I grabbed all of my shit and leaped off the wagon, rolled into the ditch, and then sat on the side of the road comfortably with a sleeve of Oreos. Yes, there is guilt attached to that. But not that same guilt I struggled with for a long time – the guilt that would lead to giving up completely. No, today is the day I flag the wagon down and ask to get back on…

May I get back on guys?

Fat and fearful,

Erica

Monday Moments

Hello, everyone! Hope you all had a wonderful weekend! Got some changes going on around the site, so feel free to browse, like, comment, subscribe, etc! Now that we’ve gotten to know each other a little better, I wanted to clean up the site mainly for my own peace of mind. I’ve titled my current journey as Shaking for Success (The Fat & Fearful Story) and will be changing it as I change as a person, gave the site a fresh new theme, and even filled out the About Me section. To add even more order to the site, I want to start posting more themed musings to keep this journey better documented and give myself better focus when coming here to type. Monday Moments will be when I take the time to reflect on something going on in my life that is currently helping or hurting the journey. So here it goes… 🙂

Moment #1

The anxiety monster is lurking often and my OCD tendencies are creeping up in number of occurrences. Growing up, I didn’t realize that some patterns of thought I had were abnormal. Counting, arranging, and correcting things in my head made sense. Tapping my feet on the ground rhythmically or needing my hands to touch something evenly for the same amount of time until I felt comfortable was just a part a life. But I was able to go for years without it ever really affecting my life. When my anxiety soared in May following a health scare, a lot of old habits now only reappeared but have been at their worst. The other night I was stuck in a touching fit. I kept touching my hands together to even out this feeling that was stuck on them. I don’t know. I guess it’s hard to explain it to someone. I wonder if my family saw me. I wonder if they think WTF? when I get stuck in the moments. I know my life won’t always be like this. It can’t be. I’m going to keep working on my anxiety, and working with DDPY has definitely been helping keep panic attacks at bay. Someone from TeamDDPY suggested I looked at diet alternatives because my anxiety disorders could be impacted from gluten and/or dairy in meals. I don’t know anything about it, but I’m going to do some research. I love food. And it’s weird to think of a life only eating a certain way and excluding a lot of common meals from my diet. Sometimes I think about it like this, though – All the sh!t food that we binge on and all the processed foods that are pushed into our hands? Those are going to be the cigarettes of the future. People make a lot of money off of us shoveling that crap into our systems, and other people will fight for their right to be able to do that. But does that mean it’s good for us? Probably not. Well, I’ve given up cigarettes… So I should really be open to giving up a poor diet, too. Right?

That’s my moment of the day.

Fat and fearful,

Erica

Food for Thought

Feel free to take a bite 🙂

*click for an enlarged version

Sometimes, I feel like I am always living in the city. One person shuffling past the next, rushing to the next task and to the next task. It’s important to take breaks, though. I love the outdoors. I feel peace when outside. It would probably do a lot for my anxiety but the rain and heat don’t mix well in the south.  Not for this girl, heh. I’ll get out soon.

How is the weather where you are?

Fat and fearful,

Erica

Work-Outs To Date

I know that when people follow workouts, they tend to follow the program to a T. I’m not like that. I want to enjoy what I do. Keep it loose. Keep it interesting.  Keep it fun. I’m a big girl, but I know I have more in me than three DDPY workouts a week, so here is where I stand so far.

Wednesday (7/3) – Energy + Red Hot Core

Thursday – Fat Burner + Red Hot Core

Friday – Energy

Saturday – Stand Up!

Sunday – Rest

Monday – Red Hot Core

Tuesday – Below The Belt

Wednesday – Diamond Cutter

Tonight – Energy

My weight hasn’t moved a bit, but my flexibility and strength are improving :). I haven’t adopted any diet yet. Just been trying to get more fruits and veggies in. My motivation right now is no longer the scale. It’s my mood. To believe that just a little over a week ago I was being strangled by anxiety on multiple levels? Well… I’m just glad I’m making changes. One day I’m gonna have to go back out into the real world and reclaim my life back. I have to be ready.

Fat and Fearful,

Erica

Anger… Use It, Don’t Abuse It

My last post sucked. Why? Because I am supposed to be here not only for myself. I am here for you. I am here for every person who says “Yes” to health, to change, to well-being. Unfortunately, we all have struggles in life and they can get us down. My most recent post was simply an attempt to decompress after a long, rocky weekend. And to do that in front of an audience is hard (thank God I don’t have TMZ at my door, right? ;)). It’s not because I am worried about how I come off. It’s because for one moment, someone could feel discouraged by my words and could derail themselves during their own struggles. I would hate that. I want to help everyone. I strive to make people happy 🙂 It’s just a part of who I am.

I learned a good lesson yesterday and today. I get angry. That’s no surprise. We’re all bound to get heated when life deals you a bad hand. It’s normal. It’s healthy. It reminds you that you’re still alive and still passionately care about things in life to even get that upset. What ISN’T healthy is moping (guilty). Or binge-eating (guilty) . Or lashing out at others (double guilty). So how do we take that energy and focus it into a more positive outcome? Say it with me…. EXERCISE!

When I was mopey the other day, someone said they could totally sympathize with me about how hard it is to feel motivated to do workouts. Well, I found my motivation, haha. My life is in a bit of a whirlwind at the moment, which often presents a LOT of opportunity to get angry. When my body gets full with energy and I don’t burn through it, my anxiety GOES THROUGH THE ROOF. Fast heart rate, dizzying thoughts, nausea… Blech! So when I feel fired up? I pop in a DDPY DVD and get to work! A solid 30 minutes of heart-pumping, body energizing yoga is just what this girl needs. My heart rate is always in my target fat-burning zone (since I start off already worked-up, haha) and I really engage myself in the workout. I have found that my Below the Belt today and my RHC last night have also really improved in ability. For example, some people in the Team DDP community know that I am AWFUL at the inverted table position. It would take me everything just to hold myself in the upright position during inverted table crunches. Last night? I DID THOSE CRUNCHES! I did ALL of them! I NAILED that workout. And afterwards? I didn’t have the energy to be stressed out by life. I was able to let go and enjoy the night with my husband. He deserves the best of me, right? 🙂

I love you all. I appreciate every time you stop by to read my words. And I hope that I can inspire you to take your negative energy and push it into a positive. It worked for me :D.

Fat and fearful (but a little less angry),

Erica